Welp, looks like someone went to let the dogs out on Monday night.
Indianapolis will probably never be the same again. I’ve never been there, but still – you hate to see an unsuspecting Midwestern town overrun with red-painted drunks barking at everyone (see social media or silly Georgia Google fans to see) .
For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, Georgia just won its first college football title since 1980. The Bulldogs did it by facing Alabama for three quarters and then playing late to get away. A celebration followed.
Georgia has many fans and alumni, of course, and I know a few of them and like the ones I know, or most of them anyway. I’m happy for them and hope they enjoy basking in all the vicarious splendor of UGA’s accomplishment. When it’s South Carolina’s turn next year, I know they’ll want the same for me.
But overall, the UGA fanbase isn’t one of my favorite things. I’m a Gamecock and Georgia Southern Iggle, and my unholy trinity in order is Clemson, Georgia, and increasingly Ohio State.
I was born and raised to dislike the first two, but the flood of transplants from Buckeye State to the South over the past few decades has elevated OSU football to its current negative status in my opinion. It’s bad enough to get talked into by your geographical and historical rivals, but when people whose ancestors fought a war against yours move in and start shedding their weight, something is wrong. Not that it matters.
After all, I’m just an aging weekly newspaper hack and that’s about the lowest life form there is, ranking somewhere out there with personal injury lawyers and members of the Congressmen nominated Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Onward: The other day I received an email link to a video that got me thinking. I know it can be dangerous, but too bad.
The video is what I understand is some sort of promotion for a certain local magazine in which members of its staff do what I think is a takeoff over the opening credits of the TV show “Friends”, to the song catchy theme of the show.
What an idea, I thought. Then I thought maybe this newspaper should do the same. Not to “friends”, of course. It has already been done.
Besides, I’m a guy. That means I’ve only seen maybe half an episode of “Friends” and I don’t know who the characters are unless my wife tells me first. Either way, we have to chart our own course and pick our own famous TV show (or movie) to adapt and let it rip. Some ideas:
• “The good, the bad and the ugly”: as an editor, I would of course be this dirty, sweaty rat-faced Tuco, who is really cool but not particularly good-looking, which is fine with me. Or Lee Van Cleef, who’s also cool but reminds me in a bad way of a guy I was in the army with in Germany named Griswald. They both had strange dragon-like nostrils that opened wider than two-car garage doors when their owner ignited them. Yeah.
The best part about using “The Good, The Bad and the Ugly” is that we could include the classic Ennio Morricone score and do a long close-up of a rusty newspaper rack that someone has parked on a scratched lottery ticket, followed by a quick cut to our head of digital operations who bravely prepares his monthly reports on the number of people not visiting our website.
He thinks it’s because we’re becoming less and less relevant. I think it’s because we’re not trying to intrude on people’s lives every moment of the day, like stressed-out TV reporters and those lonely bozos staring at me, I’m important on Facebook. He’s probably right.
•“Leave it to Beaver:” According to a lifelong friend, yours truly was born to play Eddie Haskell. I was a real gentleman when his parents were around and I could eat my share of cheese all day. “You look lovely, Mrs. McManus. It’s a gorgeous outfit. When they left, I would light a cigarette, open a beer, and offer someone a wedgie. I was 13 at the time.
Other possibilities include “Evening Shade,” “The Munsters,” The Price Is Right (my mom loves the show and our publicity rep Hollie is always upbeat and bubbly and would make a great contestant) and “Mr. Ed.” Everyone loves a good talking horse story, and there’s a great theme song.
I omitted one on purpose: “The Brady Bunch”. I left it out because we needed to collect three or four weekly newspapers in order to have enough staff to play the roles of Mike and Carol and Greg and Marsha and Peter and Jan and Bobby and Cindy and Alice the Maid. Instead, Tom Hanks “Castaway” feels more appropriate. I would play Wilson.